Monday, October 28, 2013

10-19-13 Lonely

     I took the sky train back to my hostel with some of my friends who were going to a cultural orientation. I met Matthias again in the lobby of my hostel but as it neared check-out time, I ran back to my room and went crazy packing.
     I then took a taxi out to Muang Thong Thani where I’ll be living for the next 5.5 months or so. My new home is an apartment complex in a large cluster of other apartment complexes. We are very close to a department store, an exhibition hall where concerts and big events take place, a night market, ten 7/11s (Thailand loves 7/11), a Tesco Lotus Express (a convenience store), and 2 long indoor streets of cheap food (YES!!!).
     I’m also only about a 5-minute walk to my school; it’s about 3 blocks away and looks pretty large.
     Now for the negative stuff... When the person who helped me move in and gave me a mini-tour left, I was at first happy to know I had a place all to myself. But remember, I have never lived on my own... so within 10 minutes, I went from happy to extremely overwhelmed. I started crying because I felt terribly lonely, which is ironic because for the past 4 weeks, I have been wishing and wishing to be alone. (Alone is not the same as lonely though.) Thinking about it, it makes sense, since I went from being surrounded by people who have brought me everywhere for 4 weeks, and now, as many people and complexes I’m surrounded by, I am completely and utterly alone in a brand new place. Also, the people don’t really speak a lot of English since this is generally a Thai local area.
     I am completely terrified and feel as if I’ve been slapped across the face with culture shock; I fear that I might go temporarily mute because I have no idea how to communicate with anybody. Of course, I can use universal gestures and speak broken English, but I am finally fully faced with the prospect of learning an entirely new language all on my own. 
     Also, I am extremely sad. I miss Ness and can’t even talk with him, and every few hours, I break down in fresh tears. I have always talked with him about everything and I feel empty and depressed not to be able to share my fears and my experiences with him. I hugged Mr. Angry Frog for a long time, but it just wasn’t the same. :(
     It doesn’t help that I have first world problems syndrome as well; my internet doesn’t work in my room. I found out that it seems to work when I’m closer to my door, so for an hour, I used it on top of my refrigerator. (I have no chairs, so I just stood there like an idiot because I can’t even use my internet on my own bed.) The internet completely cut off, and I realized that I had to go outside into the hallway to use it, which is ridiculous because I am paying for monthly wi-fi and I shouldn’t be sitting on the dirty hallway floor to begin with. Also, the hallway is not mine; it belongs to everybody on my floor, and there are at least 10 doorways down my hallway alone, so it’s just not a safe or comfortable place for me. 
     *One thing: because I am a teacher and students may live in these complexes, I am expected at all times to have my shoulders and knees covered. I sweat so much and I smell like major B.O. even with all the sprays and deodorant I put on, which is of course exactly what you wanted to read about, right? lol :) In any case, even in my own hallway, I have to be wearing capris or a long skirt, so it is just about the worst thing in the world to be carrying my hot laptop, crouching on the dirty floor like a homeless person--no offense to homeless people--trying to load some pictures which my computer tells me will take 3 hours. I of course cut that off because I did not plan to spend my evening living off of the hallway.*
     But going back to my feelings, I am just so sad. I put up pictures of everybody in my room, and I just feel so lost. I actually just want to hop a plane and run back home to hide under my covers. I want to run back into Ness’s arms, and the hardest thing is that I know I can’t do either. 
     I also missed dinner time because I fell asleep with this stress, and all the stores were closed at 9 PM, so I was starving as I went out to buy toilet paper. I bought some bun with pork sung on top and “mayonnaise,” and it was so nasty. (Just a personal thing because I prefer sweet buns over meat buns.) Halfway through, I stopped and just started eating plain wheat bread :(. 
     I know things will get better--I mean I was overwhelmed on my first day to Bangkok too. But right now, I feel hopeless, lost, afraid, nervous, sad, and just going back to it because it’s really what’s defining my feelings right now, lonely. I do plan on exploring a little more tomorrow and actually eating real meals for more energy; hopefully that’ll help. I just miss everybody so much right now and although people have called me this recently, I don’t feel brave at all. Also, I really don’t like my bathroom, especially since I had to wash a cockroach down the drain. I don’t know... I feel like I sound extremely spoiled and useless, but I’m just (I guess there’s no other way to describe it) TERRIFIED.
     For tonight, this blog is my savior. If not for typing out every adventure from Krabi (I didn’t type until tonight because I was sick those days) to being here in Muang Thong Thani, I would’ve been curled up in my bed crying and probably rocking back and forth like a maniac. Just kidding. Well, yes, I would’ve been crying and just would’ve not known what to do with myself. But still, I wish more than anything in the world to see everyone again, but if not, that I’ll at least have better internet so I can communicate with them. 5.5 months. This just HAS to work!
      Sadly signing off... :(

Some of the girls from my group
(Amanda, Julia, Nikki, Thy, Me, Ashley)

Some of the girls and guys in our group (or the previous group)
Top: Lani, Amanda, Nikki, Thy, Me, Ashley, Dana(? can't see very well)
Bottom: Alex, Hamilton (previous group), Adam's brother, Peter, Griffin, Adam,
Donny, Aaron (from previous group), Josh

Almost all the people from our group

Route 66 on RCA (This should've been in the previous post.)
We went clubbing here.
Left to right: Becca, Me (don't worry, that's just water), 
Aaron, Emily, Nikki, Julia, Talley

My place

My first table for my laptop (UNTIL IT STOPPED WORKING)

My kitchen: I'm really glad I have one!

My wardrobes

My wardrobes all open



My bed

View from my bed

View from my bed at a 45 degree angle

My place!

The scary hallway I sit in to use the internet

My scary bathroom

The cleaning supplies I have to sweep up cockroaches!

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